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A scitentific Review of Three Shitty New Bands we were cursed with in 2010

Published by
empb28   on Jul 9 2011, 12:26 AM


A scholarly artice by EMPB28


This way too goddamn overly complicated and overly priced scientific article outlines a study performed by the fabulously pissed off and temperamental shmuck known as EMPB28 during the course of the year 2010.  This study took place within EMPB28's reliable little white ford escort and involved the tuning of its radio to various shitty, sucky, worthless radio stations the Portland Area is unfortunately cursed with.  2010 saw the breakthrough of three shitty bands in particular.  EMPB28 sought to determine how badly the shitty, half big wide assed effort music of these mediocre music-makers made him want to commit various heinous and graphic crimes involving the lead singer's family jewel sack.  Results are found below in the main section of this article and, not surprisingly, are very violent and graphic.  (Seriously guys, these bands mentioned below suck some hard-core Royal Buckingham Palace dick)

I. Introduction

Since the beginning of time the human race has been cursed with music that sucks balls.  The 2000's decade, in particular, manifested some real sucky shit.  Various pussy-voiced mofos (e.g. John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and SHITTY Caillait) poisoned radio stations all over America with their happy-sappy garbage shit songs.  During the dawn of the 2010's decade, many avid radio listeners were optimistic that this new era upon us would bring more bands that make you look like a total dopehead to other drivers when you jam to their songs in your car and you just don't give a fudge how stupid you look because "Take me out" freaking rocks.  This objective was somewhat accomplished in 2010 with the breakthrough of bands such as Hundred in the Hands, Best Coast, and (With the STRICTLY NOTABLE exception of their piece *f shit song "The High Road") Broken Bells.  However, three 2010-debut bands in particular, simply sucked ass.  These three bands: Neon Trees, Mumford and Sons, and Sleighbells, put out some real horrible shit, especially on 94/7 FM.  This radio station has been the subject of scientific research in the past.  A previous study done on Portland's 94/7 FM revealed that 99.999% of the Portland Area wishes to track down the main DJ, Gustav, and blow his balls off with a shotgun if he plays "Kids" by MGMT one more time.  This study sought to determine exactly how sucky the music of these new bands were as well as how badly EMPB28 wanted to shred their lead singer’s balls with a wood chipper (vagina in the case of Sleighbells since their lead singer is female).  Measurements were obtained through various profane words and statements made by EMPB28 himself when he was forced to listen to these bands 2010 breakthrough songs on 94/7 FM.  


2. Mumford and Sons

While this cheap-ass rip off of Flogging Molly thinks that their pussy-sounding guitar ballads are the best thing since sliced fragments of John Mayer’s balls, EMPB28 thinks otherwise.  Any goddamn dopehead out there can tell that “Little Lion Man” plagiarizes the lyrical rhythm of “High and Dry” by Radiohead.  And, as any author of a scholarly article would rightfully be, EMPB28 is pissed off the charts at even the thought of the heinous, atrocious act of plagiarism and strongly encourages Radiohead to file a multi-trillion dollar lawsuit against this shit band for committing this atrocious act.  This piece of shit song first raped EMPB 28’s ears in May of 2010 as he was on his way to the Tualatin 24 Hour corporate shithole gym.  In accordance with Little Lion Man’s lyrics, this four-piece of shit band really did indeed “fuck it *p this time”.  In addition to the half-assed annoying sounds of “Little Lion Man”, Mumford and SHITS also cursed our poor ears with an equally yet much more god damn shitty sounding piece of garbage known as “The Cave”.  Lead singer Marcus Mumford mentions how he “won’t let you choke on the noose around your neck” in the middle of the chorus.  When these half-assed pussy lyrics we’re first heard by EMPB28, thoughts of how he’d love to track down the dickheads who wrote this shit song and hang them from a noose come to his mind.  Moreover, whenever forced to listen to these shit lyrics, EMPB28 also gained comfort in violent fantasies involving shoving the Sears Tower up the lead singer’s ass so far that people could get a good view of Wacker Drive from his esophagus.  Unfortunately, DUMBford and SHITS are planning to release their second album by the end of this year.  Mass suicides of people who enjoy music that doesn’t suck balls have thus been advised by the Federal Government.


3. Sleighbells

Anyone who listens to the music of this shit band will realize that they are trying to sound exactly like Passion Pit.  But in reality, they end up sounding more along the lines of Passion SHIT.  Any well-minded individual would wonder what the hell is up with the lame song titles such as “Rill Rill” and “Tell ‘Em”.  The former of those two shit ballads is merely a half-assed sample of Funkadelic’s 1971 hit song “Can you get to that”.   In addition, “Rill Rill” repeats the same goddamn lyrical melody over and over again entirely throughout the 4 minutes of pain it inflicts upon poor souls forced to listen to this joke of a song.  Satanic messages can indeed be heard in “Rill Rill” as well.  For instance, the numbers “6-6-6” can be heard over and over again throughout the same goddamn repetitive lyrics.  In addition, a horrific and disturbing backwards message saying “Rill Rill is definitely not a cheap goddamn rip off of a perfectly good classic 1971 tune and does not make an elephant farting sound like Beethoven’s 9th Symphony” can be detected only by those loyal to music that doesn’t suck (e.g. Franz Ferdinand, Spoon, Stone Temple Pilots).  As of next year, the world will be cursed with 2 goddamn shitty albums from this despicable duo band.  Though the world is entirely sure that this new album will suck balls, one would hope that they would wise the hell up and at least do a better job of a shitty job of sampling a classic R&B hit.


4. Neon Trees

When vocals from some girly-voiced pansy are combined with shitty keyboard music that is an insult to the sounds of Fischerspooner one will yield this sophisticatedly shitty curse on society from Provo, UT known as The Neon Trees.  Researchers have proposed a new study involving cutting the lead singer’s cock off for the purpose of testing the hypothesis that this will bring his genetialia more in accordance with his goddamn annoying girly voice.  Due to the fact that the obvious positive outcome of this study can be inferred by any average lonely sorry schmuck, this study has not come to be.  However, many individuals (esp. EMPB28) are notoriously adamant about slicing this god-damn pussy-voiced douche’s 3 inch dick off for non-study purposes.  In fact, examples of hypothetical reasons for wanting to carry these sex organ mutilation-related actions out include the following:

  • To shut this goddamn pansy-sounding lead singer the hell up
  • To get it through this mofo’s head that the music of him and his band sucks balls
  • To voice the opinion that the music of Neon Trees is nothing but pussified Shiny Toy Guns in a violent and inappropriate way
  • To carry much needed revenge for their song “Animal” making early 2010 a living and dying hell
  • To send a message to other bands with equally pussy girly sounding lead singers (e.g. Muse et. al)

Research has indeed confirmed that Neon TWATS suck ass and should stop making shitty indie pop that nobody freaking likes.  However, this research has been deemed completely goddamn pointless as any average prickbag in their right mind easily feels a burning desire to jackhammer this band’s lead singer’s ball sack into a highly renewable and efficient material for road surfacing when exposed to his shitty girly voice.


5. Results and Discussion  

Results show that the three shit bands above suck ass and should’ve never been given a goddamn chance at a music career in the first place.  A common trend among these sucky-music dickbags shows that even when they try to rip off earlier lyrics and musical sounds they end up sucking more cock than has ever been sucked in the history of goddamn cocksucking.  Though these three bands were a disgrace to the year 2010, other shit bands cursed this poor innocent year as well.  For instance, the shitty lame sounds of “Sail” by AWOLNATION cursed 94/7 FM as 2010 came to a close.  Aaron Bruno, the Prefontaine look-a-like schmuck behind AWOLNATION, should have his nuts smashed to bits by Pre’s Rock falling on them for trying to (and failing so freaking miserably at) crossing CCR with Nine Inch Nails to yield the piece of goddamn shit song “Sail”.  However, “Not your fault” sucks balls to a lesser degree, and thus this gruesome procedure involving a popular Eugene, OR landmark has been considered irrelevant.  Returning to the issues of this current study, conclusions indicate that EMPB28 would most desirably and would be most honored to commit various heinous and graphic crimes involving the lead singer's family jewel sack of these three shit bands.  A wood chipper was also determined to be an ideal form of shredding these band’s lead singer’s genetailia.  In addition, EMPB28 would also love to shove their balls (vagina in the case of Sleighbells) into other various shredding appliances (e.g. food processor, paper shredder).  The current year of 2011 (with the notable exception of “Friday” by Rebecca Black which sound like it was written by a goddamn pothead) sees a dying trend in shitty music as Airborne Toxic Event, Foster the People, and even The Cars (Who were LONG freaking overdue for new shit) gave us some GOOD music to help us recover from shitty bands of last year.  However, it appears that this decade will have indeed gotten off to a shitty music beginning due to these three sucky bands which cursed our ears in the year that was 2010. 


This article is Copyright 2011 by EMPB28.  In order to avoid the death penalty by an electric chair being attached to your nuts for plagiarism this article must be properly cited when used in even the slightest goddamn context in another research essay.   Proper citations of this article must include the following information about this article and it’s author: Author’s name, Title, Title of journal in which this article appeared, Date this article was published, Author’s social security number, Author’s favorite food, and Author’s favorite picture of Taylor Swift he likes to jack off to.  If any of this information is missing you will be sentenced to death according the method of execution described above and face a fine of $6000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 dollars and 43.576758584589484 cents.  Also, hacking into this blog and replacing my excessively used profane words with various punctuation marks carries the same ballsack-frying oriented punishment......SO LEAVE IT BE GUYS!!!!!!

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Thanks for the warning. I haven't gotten into any new bands since the late 1990's, and after reading this can rule out at least five of the wanna-bees that have cropped up in the time since...
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